If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour… you’re gonna see some serious shit.

2012:

The year is 2012 and an email has just reminded me of a blog I planned to post last year. I am of the belief that we should start posting again and I can’t think of a better way to go about it than to step back in time to the year 2011 when blogging was the fashion.

2011:

I, Stuart Glasgow, have recently entered a competition entitled “The Wellcome Trust Science Writing Prize 2011 In association with the ‘Guardian’ and the ‘Observer’ in which one of the five judges is Dara O Briain. There are two categories that can be entered into: one is for professional post graduate scientists and the other is anyone with a non-professional interest in science including undergraduate students.

The winner from each category will have their articles published in the Guardian or Observer newspapers, this being the main prize. Surprisingly enough the secondary prize of £1000 cash gave me more motivation to enter than the main prize but it’s not all about the money. The top 30 shortlisted entrants are also invited to attend a science writing workshop at the Guardian offices.

Here is a two paragraph quote from the competition webpage to show what the judges are looking for:

We are looking for short articles that address any area of science and would be suitable for publication in the ‘Guardian’ or the ‘Observer’ in print and online. You must demonstrate that you have thought about and understood your audience and can bring a scientific idea to life.

The judges are looking for originality, bright ideas and a distinctive writing style. Your 800-word article should show a passion for science and encourage the general public to consider, question and debate the key issues in science and society.

Let’s see if I managed to meet the specifications; (I honestly never know whether to use colons or semi-colons so the article may be full of grammatical failures but feel free to tell me off, that’s how I’ll learn) here is my entry:

No doubt all you’ve heard the last few years is global warming damages our environment, it is a threat to “our” oceans, and the polar ice caps are melting and so on. But there is another lesser known yet extremely damaging threat to the oceans known by most humans as fishing, or over fishing to be precise.

Over fishing is defined as the catching of so many fish that the fish can no longer sustain their population through breeding, as opposed to cloning; the other method fish use to form their population. Since the 1950’s the number of big fish has been reduced drastically and now only a mere 10 percent of all big fish species in all areas of the ocean remain, so it seems fair to say that over fishing is ripe in the society of the sea. However it is not just big fish that are disappearing, it is entire ecosystems that are being lost and this is resulting in damaging global consequences including huge economical travesties for many fishers leaving fisherman with the dilemma of continuing to fish thus continuing to earn some money while reducing the number of fish in the sea, or reducing the extent of their fishing therefore cutting their income and increasing job losses but improving the possibility of the growth of fish stocks so that in the future there will be more fish to catch and more money to earn.

This is just one of a long list of problems affecting the planet but it is an item that the public may want priority for because of the trouble it causes to penguins. The wonderful penguin: famous for its tuxedo like feathers, ambitious waddle and ability to slide along the ice on its belly. And as we all know penguins are becoming ever more popular thanks to the recent penguin movies, or povies, such as “Mr. Popper’s Penguins,” “Happy Feet” and “March of the Penguins.”

“Happy Feet” even touched on the fact that humans are fishing too much krill from the oceans which has resulted in the parent penguins being unable to provide for their customary, for most species, two child penguins a year. This has seen a huge amount of cute baby penguins being left alone in the harsh conditions of the Antarctic, at the end of the breeding season, unable to fend for themselves.

Climate change has also had a large effect on the life style of penguins, in particular Emperor penguins. The increase in ocean temperature causes a change in the migration pattern of some fish that Emperor penguins eat meaning that penguins must travel further from their nests in order to feed on the fish, in some cases they travel up to twenty-five miles further than they used to. These longer distances increase the time it takes for the female penguin to return to the nest where the male penguin is warming the egg. The female is expected to arrive back in time for the egg hatching so she can feed the chick but if she is late the chick could starve or the male penguin could abandon the chick as he will need to leave in order to feed himself.

Another human inflicted inconvenience destroying the lives of the beautiful penguin is oil pollution; killing tens of thousands of penguins each year. Penguins are particularly susceptible to oil spills because they swim low in water and have to come up for air every so often causing the penguins feathers to become oil ridden. The penguins, for some reason, find the need to eat the oil and this usually kills them or makes them vulnerable to disease.

So all that remains now is the questions: How do we solve these serious marine life problems? Do we reduce the amount of global fishing that takes place and therefore reduce the number of jobs available? And what will happen to poor wee Tuxedo Tommy and his baby penguin friends…left alone…on the cold ice…with no krill…choking on oil?

END OF ARTICLE

To be honest I don’t read either the Guardian or the Observer so straight away I don’t understand my audience. I also finished after 668 words because Stewart Lee was on TV, so there are a couple of specifications I probably haven’t met already. Hopefully I will get bonus points for the 100 word long sentence which is therefore just over one seventh of the full article.

This seems like the perfect time to link in Stewart Lee with penguins by showing you this video recommended to me by Morgan Freeman.

2012:

And welcome back to 2012, I hope you enjoyed the trip. I’ve still not heard back from Dara yet and the entry deadline for this year’s competition is 25-04-2012 (which I am not entering) so I don’t think I won. However, hopefully this will motivate others to post more blogs.

Peace to the Penguins.

Wendy? Darling? Light of my life. I’m not gonna hurt ya. You didn’t let me finish my sentence. I said, I’m not gonna hurt ya. I’m just going to bash your brains in.

Eilidh

Eilidh is my sister and she has recently turned 15 years old. She is very loud and she never stops talking. Her sentences often include segments such as ‘no offence but…’, ‘I’m not gonna lie but…’ and the improper use of the word ‘literally’ as in ‘I literally just broke my arm’-she never broke her arm. I think she is addicted to lying, maybe this is why she starts so many of her sentences with ‘I’m not gonna lie but’. However this is often followed by something that is obviously not a lie or an opinion making the first half of the sentence pretty unnecessary. I feel like the previous two sentences are slightly contradictory but I know what I mean. Anyway, despite these rather scary attributes, once in a while she comes out with something that I find utterly hilarious. Here are some of my favourite quotes from Eilidh:

1.            at the dinner table

“I never want to have a baby cause when you’re pregnant you get fat and I don’t want to be fat. No offence mum”

2.            to a group of ten girls in her year at school who all claim to be lesbians

 “Your sleepovers must be really fun”

3.            to me

 “I am not a liar!!!”

4.            to me

 “Stop being so horrible to me! The other day you tried to trick me into believing that ‘The Hills’ isn’t real and now you’re calling me a liar.”

5.            to me

“Stuart you’ll never guess what… ‘The Hills’ isn’t real”

6.            to our gran while pointing at the postman

“Look gran there’s my dad”

I should explain that the running joke in our family is that the postman is Eilidh’s real dad.

7.            to three sets of unsuspecting ears

“Me and Jessica could laugh until the wolves come home”

8.            in a story made up by Eilidh where someone says to her “I never knew your sister was a lesbian” Eilidh replied:

“Ano, shocker. She does go to the library a lot though”

9.            to our mum while outside somewhere

 “Mum I thought I saw you in a field there but it was just a cow”

 10.          at the dinner table

“My career choice is a prostitute but you don’t see me doing that”

Bonus Items

I don’t know if anyone will understand what this means but it’s probably for the best if you don’t because it’s not a very nice image.

11.          to Mhairi (obviously)

 “Mhairi I think we should get matching vajazzle”

12.          at the dinner table (in fact the majority of these quotes were at the dinner table)

 “I was trying to put a necklace on the hamster and it bit me, actually.”

Today, Listverse sued me. FML

Fuck, shit, cock, ass, titties, boner, bitch, muff, pussy, cock, butthole, Barbra Streisand!!

Easy Peasy. I currently have a blog half written and another one about 15 words from completion but they are taking too long so here’s a wee quick one to keep you company for now.  With this blog im going to do what Gary did with his first blog except I’m going to change it slightly to make it my own. The previous sentence was supposed to be a joke but you probably shouldn’t understand it yet… I don’t know, maybe you will have (confusing tense(s)). Speaking of jokes, I met a friend at a bus stop the other day and tried to tell him a joke but failed. I said “My friend told me that I just don’t understand irony… which is ironic because we were standing at a bus stop at the time.” That never actually happened but if it did i think the world would collapse or something.

Anyway, covers? Yes please.

I’m not the biggest Biffy Clyro fan so here’s a cover of Lightspeed Champion’s Galaxy of the Lost performed  by Little Boots back when she had brown or red hair and nobody knew who she was.

Unnecessary fact: The highest rated youtube comment to this video is from Lightspeed Champion.

Owen Pallett background info: worked with Arcade Fire (on all three of their albums), Beirut, Grizzly Bear and shit loads of other artists. Sometimes performs under the name ‘Final Fantasy’.

He has another couple of covers if you enjoyed that.

‘Street Sweeper Social Club’ covering ‘Paper Planes’

The fuck off bitchin’ guitar was Tom Morello of RATM.

One last video that is not a cover but I love to watch this:

Stuart over and out

Get your bony ass down here in the morning, with a million dollars in folding cash, and i’ll give you the greatest sword ever made by man. How do you like the sound of that?

Dear Mr. Freeman,

I have recently been through a rough ordeal and you have been selected by me to help me out. The following letter should help you to understand my situation:

Dear ESPN,

I was recently disappointed in my viewing of your channel due to one in particular misleading programme name. The programme name was “interview with Craig Levein” and lasted fifteen minutes. The information given on this programme was that Craig Levein would be discussing his plans for the Scotland national football team and their future hopes. So using the information given on the programme, along with the programme’s name, I came to the conclusion that I would be watching Craig Levein talk about Scotland. How wrong I was! In fact, what I actually saw was Noel Gallagher, sitting on a couch with his smug little face, talking about Manchester City Football Club, their chances in the premiership this season and how referees should approach Darren Fletcher in order to wind him up. Naturally I was very disappointed, not only in Noel Gallagher’s disrespect for Darren Fletcher but also in not seeing the programme I was clearly promised. Might I also add that this was not just a one off mistake, as a week later my ears were punctured yet again by Noel Gallagher’s whining voice, tedious similes and primary school metaphors. Needless to say I have never fully recovered from this shocking and unsatisfactory television travesty. I have created a short list of demands I want done if I am ever to willingly watch your channel again:

1. A programme must be made and shown on ESPN where Craig Levein does in fact talk about Scotland’s footballing future ;
2. Darren Fletcher must be on this programme talking about how Manchester City failed to even make fourth spot in the premiership this season and;
3. Darren Fletcher must also state that Noel Gallagher is a moany old git with, at best, amateur knowledge of football.

Yours sincerely

Stuart Glasgow

I have given them a chance Morgan and they still haven’t replied, nor have they come to their senses and made the programme I requested. I was ready to throw in the towel (the use of this expression is no coincidence) and then I was fortunate enough to have watched the film ‘Million Dollar Baby’. You know, the one where you help out Clint Eastwood when he is in a similar situation to the one I am in now. This is why I have chosen you to help me and I know that you will come through for me Morgan.

Thanks

Stuart

Dear Stuart,

I’m glad to hear you liked my performance in Million Dollar Baby; it is one of my favourite movies. I also have 2 new films coming out this year called Red and The Last Full Measure. You should go see them. Also have you ever seen Bruce Almighty? It is a movie where I play God and is probably the easiest role I have had to date, after all I am pretty much just playing myself, haha. Rachel from Friends is in that movie as well, I used to love seeing her every morning.

Let me start by saying that it is heartbreaking to see a fellow movie fan and a fan of myself go through such a difficult time. I too recently had a traumatic experience with a tv. I was watching Batman Begins and midway through my first scene there was a power cut and I missed the rest of the scene. Don’t tell anyone this but I shed a few tears. This was a difficult time for me but I am old and wise now and in my 72 years on this planet I have learnt that, much like in the movies, there are good times and bad times and ugly times. My advice to you would be that you need to move on from this however difficult it may be. You may never see the interview you requested on ESPN, or see Darren Fletcher badmouth Noel Gallagher even though he really deserves it. I mean what does he know like 4 chords or something, 5 at the most? Anyway, you need to learn to carry on with life when things get ugly, forget about this horrible situation like I am forgetting about mine. We can do this together Stu, come on!

I really hope this advice has helped you and if you ever need my help again no need to send by post, you can just email me next time. My address is zidaneanddaggerforever@hotmail.com

All the best,

Morgan Porterfield Freeman Jr.

Even though I’m no more than a monster – don’t I, too, have the right to live?

The Bitch

A few years ago i was in hospital for three or four days. I can’t really remember why but that’s not important. A couple of beds down from me was this guy who was a bit younger than me and he was in an electric wheelchair. He had a sort of body brace on aswell to keep him up straight because he could only move his head and hands. It was really sad. He could play the playstation though and there was a playstation in our ward, so since i’m such a nice guy i played a football game on it with him and never once called him ‘Wheels’. I figured, since there wasn’t much else he could do except from play the playstation, he would probably be pretty good so i chose Spain and he went Scotland. Turns out he wasn’t that good and i won.  Because he was in hospital so often he had to have a personal tutor teach him so after i schooled him at playstation he went back to his bed to receive further schooling. So i started playing this other guy that was in a bed across from me and was also a bit younger than me and to save time we just chose to play again with the same teams but this time i went Scotand and he was Spain. The little punk took an early lead and then to my disbelief Wheels started shouting at us. I was like “are you alright?” and he was like “NO! You’ve picked my team and now you’re losing! Quit the game! Quit the game!” And it was just a game and would have taken ages to quit and i couldn’t just let him get his way because he was in a wheelchair so i was like “naa, we are just going to carry on man, it’s a waste of time quitting.” Then he drove over and was like “if you don’t quit the game i will run you over” so i was like “why don’t you get up and fight me like a man?” No i didn’t, ofcourse i never said that, that would be very wrong. Instead i was just wondering how fast his machine of death could go. He started nudging me with it and then he drove really far back and started revving, then drove towards me at an average speed of around 3mph. He was halfway towards me when i scored an equaliser and then i said “look, look i’ve scored.” He stopped and said “right well you better score another one soon” and luckily enough i did. Then his tutor called him over to do more work and i was like “lady you say what? Are you fucking serious?! You wait until now before you call Hotwheels back over?” That’s right, i’ve upgraded his name to “Hotwheels”. “You couldn’t have called him over when he was shouting at me to quit the game, or nudging me with his wheelchair, or on a straight road to giving me a nice new tyre tattoo on my face? You wait until now, after he’s finished threatening me, to call him over! You stuuuuupid bitch!”

By Stuart Glasgow