Wendy? Darling? Light of my life. I’m not gonna hurt ya. You didn’t let me finish my sentence. I said, I’m not gonna hurt ya. I’m just going to bash your brains in.

Eilidh

Eilidh is my sister and she has recently turned 15 years old. She is very loud and she never stops talking. Her sentences often include segments such as ‘no offence but…’, ‘I’m not gonna lie but…’ and the improper use of the word ‘literally’ as in ‘I literally just broke my arm’-she never broke her arm. I think she is addicted to lying, maybe this is why she starts so many of her sentences with ‘I’m not gonna lie but’. However this is often followed by something that is obviously not a lie or an opinion making the first half of the sentence pretty unnecessary. I feel like the previous two sentences are slightly contradictory but I know what I mean. Anyway, despite these rather scary attributes, once in a while she comes out with something that I find utterly hilarious. Here are some of my favourite quotes from Eilidh:

1.            at the dinner table

“I never want to have a baby cause when you’re pregnant you get fat and I don’t want to be fat. No offence mum”

2.            to a group of ten girls in her year at school who all claim to be lesbians

 “Your sleepovers must be really fun”

3.            to me

 “I am not a liar!!!”

4.            to me

 “Stop being so horrible to me! The other day you tried to trick me into believing that ‘The Hills’ isn’t real and now you’re calling me a liar.”

5.            to me

“Stuart you’ll never guess what… ‘The Hills’ isn’t real”

6.            to our gran while pointing at the postman

“Look gran there’s my dad”

I should explain that the running joke in our family is that the postman is Eilidh’s real dad.

7.            to three sets of unsuspecting ears

“Me and Jessica could laugh until the wolves come home”

8.            in a story made up by Eilidh where someone says to her “I never knew your sister was a lesbian” Eilidh replied:

“Ano, shocker. She does go to the library a lot though”

9.            to our mum while outside somewhere

 “Mum I thought I saw you in a field there but it was just a cow”

 10.          at the dinner table

“My career choice is a prostitute but you don’t see me doing that”

Bonus Items

I don’t know if anyone will understand what this means but it’s probably for the best if you don’t because it’s not a very nice image.

11.          to Mhairi (obviously)

 “Mhairi I think we should get matching vajazzle”

12.          at the dinner table (in fact the majority of these quotes were at the dinner table)

 “I was trying to put a necklace on the hamster and it bit me, actually.”

Today, Listverse sued me. FML

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